The L word

As you all know my mind has been rather blank with ideas lately (could be because I have one and a half jobs sucking all the creativity out of me lol). So while on this website that I use for some of the kids I tutor that gives creative writing promps I decided to steal some ideas from there. So I decided that this week I will try to blog everyday and pull a subject from that site. So here goes....

Describe the first time you remember saying "I love you" to someone outside of your family. Was it difficult to get the courage to say the words, or did it come naturally? Is it any easier or harder to say the words today? How often are they used between you and your close friends, versus between romantic partners?

The first time I remember saying I love you to someone outside my family and really meaning it was to my boyfriend my senior year in high school. I wasn't (and still probably am not) sure what I was supposed to feel as far as love but I knew that what I felt for this person was a totally different feeling then I had had for any other "boyfriend." I wanted to say it to him, before he said it to me, but I was scared of how he might react, what he might say and if I was sure that what I felt was love (which now in retrospect probably wasn't). So I said nothing. Two months I felt it but said nothing. Then one day we were on the phone about to get off and he said "I love you goodnight" and hung up lol. So the next day after I got out of school (or did I skip my last two periods) I went to his school and met up with him after his track practice. We talked and so forth and then it was time for me to go and he whispered what he said the night before in my ear and I said I said "I love you too." In my head I was still all nervous even though he had said it first. I guess it was kind of crazy because I had just never told a guy that before and me (at the time) being SuperVirgin with the biggest V on my chest thought oh gawd does this mean sex is next lol. I was really scared of using that word outside my inner circle. But I did and it was fun while it lasted.

Today I'm pretty similar in my behavior when it comes to saying it to a guy. I rather him say it first. I'm not always the one catching feelings first or even being in love when they are but I guess I like to be reassured that the feeling is mutual. When I was younger I felt the pressure to say it back if a guy said it to me first. My last boyfriend can testify that he said "I love you" about four months into our relationship and I said "Oh that's nice, how sweet, thank you." I didn't feel it so I didn't say it until I was sure, which was about two months after he said it. I would say using the word today is no easier or harder, it's just that more though is put into the use because it's a powerful emotion.

My close close friends and I are split on the usage. My bestfriends and I don't always say it but rather show love through support and being there and we'll say it or write it in the occasional card that we send just because. My linesisters, well my clique amongst my line sisters, we speak anywhere from everyday to twice a week and we always close with our "secret" way of saying I love you that we made up while we were on line or we just say I love you. With them it's probably because we only see each other every few months.

With my family we use it too much lol. An associate of mine who went to school told me in her 25 years of life her mom may have told her 4 times verbally, whereas in my 23 soon to be 24 years of life I've heard it a minimum of seven times a week. Whenever my sister and I hang up we say it, when I talk to my aunts and uncles we say it and my cousins too. So as far as family and friends love is something that I'm not lacking.

The comparison between friends/family and romantic partners is different because the first is and has been a constant while the other has changed. From my family and friends I know that I'm loved daily, romantic partners aren't always around, but when they are I know and feel that I am loved to.

That moment in twelfth grade allowed me to open my heart up to being receptive of receiving those words outside my inner circle. I can remember the exact moment the weather outside what I had on and his reaction when I said it. It's something that sticks in my head. Even though my feelings are immensely different about him now he did allow me to be open in sharing my love with others.