random reflections
I was reading a blog I occasionally stop by this morning and it made me think about the way I approach things in life and how my attitude has drastically changed in a small time frame. 
I'm still am trying to figure if the change has been for the good or for the bad. But I definitely see the change and it's even evident in my writing and attitude. People notice the change in me and they say "you are different now" but they never allude to whether that is a good or a bad thing. I know I'm different and something would be wrong with me if I was the exact same girl that some of these people met the beginning of high school or college. I'm constantly evolving. No need to stay the same right. I'm a lot different then what I was but I still have a ways to go. I know how to articulate my wants and needs now but I still can't always do that to the people that need to hear them the most. There are some people that I know I don't need in my life PERIOD so I don't know why I haven't blocked them on email or IM or on the phone line. Maybe because I'm stuck in that comfort zone with certain people and like holding on or maybe that is the kid in me that still always wants a taste of something that you know just isn't good for your health. I've put myself or almost put myself in situations that have or could have almost destroyed good situations and in reflection have realized that I'm horrified of relationships. I love the concept and the outcome but in reality it's really a scary thing. Maybe it's because the people from the past have been very wrong choices and it's easy to deal with something you know won't work, but when you get that person that actually changes the way you think about things it scares the mess out of you. All my friends are getting married and having babies. My mom asked if that's something I feel like I'm missing out on. I tell her no, I'm young and if I wanted to get married I would have done so shortly after the young man gave me the ring of my dreams and I smiled and replied no. Forever is a long time so I'm in no rush, at least I don't think. I mean I'm just starting to enjoy life so I'm not ready to be barefoot pregnant frying chicken and working 8 hours a day. Well it wouldn't be that way exactly but you know what I mean. It's crazy that I see so many of my friends desperate to be in love and have a man and be someone's wife and they are so young and there are so many opportunities in from of them that they are missing because they have those super night vision xray I need a man by any means necessary goggles on. They tell me I need to stop acting and thinking like a man. But I'm far from a man and am way to emotional to be one. I am a good actor though, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, I can exude nonchalantness that makes the toughest and most arrogant men question his game and skills, but that is just me and has nothing to do with me acting like a man, just me protecting me when needed. People that don't know me well often say I'm so nonchalant, and mean or I'm quite and shy but that is because indeed they don't know me. All of my friends and people that I know and believe in (and I know they believe in me) know me for the compassionate, loud and boisterous, emotional, quick to tell a joke but even quicker to shed a tear and listen person. So yeah I guess I'm different, not the same young woman that I once was. Not naive and easily taken advantage of, not always docile and going to agree with everything that everyone has to say. I'm a lot different now and as I reflect that's a really good thing.
I'm still am trying to figure if the change has been for the good or for the bad. But I definitely see the change and it's even evident in my writing and attitude. People notice the change in me and they say "you are different now" but they never allude to whether that is a good or a bad thing. I know I'm different and something would be wrong with me if I was the exact same girl that some of these people met the beginning of high school or college. I'm constantly evolving. No need to stay the same right. I'm a lot different then what I was but I still have a ways to go. I know how to articulate my wants and needs now but I still can't always do that to the people that need to hear them the most. There are some people that I know I don't need in my life PERIOD so I don't know why I haven't blocked them on email or IM or on the phone line. Maybe because I'm stuck in that comfort zone with certain people and like holding on or maybe that is the kid in me that still always wants a taste of something that you know just isn't good for your health. I've put myself or almost put myself in situations that have or could have almost destroyed good situations and in reflection have realized that I'm horrified of relationships. I love the concept and the outcome but in reality it's really a scary thing. Maybe it's because the people from the past have been very wrong choices and it's easy to deal with something you know won't work, but when you get that person that actually changes the way you think about things it scares the mess out of you. All my friends are getting married and having babies. My mom asked if that's something I feel like I'm missing out on. I tell her no, I'm young and if I wanted to get married I would have done so shortly after the young man gave me the ring of my dreams and I smiled and replied no. Forever is a long time so I'm in no rush, at least I don't think. I mean I'm just starting to enjoy life so I'm not ready to be barefoot pregnant frying chicken and working 8 hours a day. Well it wouldn't be that way exactly but you know what I mean. It's crazy that I see so many of my friends desperate to be in love and have a man and be someone's wife and they are so young and there are so many opportunities in from of them that they are missing because they have those super night vision xray I need a man by any means necessary goggles on. They tell me I need to stop acting and thinking like a man. But I'm far from a man and am way to emotional to be one. I am a good actor though, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, I can exude nonchalantness that makes the toughest and most arrogant men question his game and skills, but that is just me and has nothing to do with me acting like a man, just me protecting me when needed. People that don't know me well often say I'm so nonchalant, and mean or I'm quite and shy but that is because indeed they don't know me. All of my friends and people that I know and believe in (and I know they believe in me) know me for the compassionate, loud and boisterous, emotional, quick to tell a joke but even quicker to shed a tear and listen person. So yeah I guess I'm different, not the same young woman that I once was. Not naive and easily taken advantage of, not always docile and going to agree with everything that everyone has to say. I'm a lot different now and as I reflect that's a really good thing.
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