fear
there aren't a lot of things I'm afraid of. for many years I've jet skied, banana boated, sailed, canoed all without knowing how to swim. I'd express my opinion to people debate an issue and argue for a cause even when no one else was on my side. I'll even travel to different cities, states and sometimes countries alone fearless of my surroundings but just trying to learn new things. but there is this one fear that sort of encapsulates me at me times. keeps me up writing in my journal, has always made me a planner and preparer and at times had even sabotaged me.
the fear of failing.
when I was younger I felt like a mandate was placed upon me that stated that I had no option but success. whatever I asked for within reason I was given if it was thought to be something that would help me succeed. one day in the 6th grade I randomly asked my parents if I could try out private school. by the fall I was enrolled. I asked if I could study abroad that summer I was in the UK. with all the things placed in front of me I felt and still feel as though I have no option but to succeed. when I got to college I was terrified that I wouldn't graduate because of fear. so my first semester freshman year I planned out all my classes... for my college career. from when I'd take electives to how I'd balance summer school. I was obsessed with not failing.
this fear of not failing stretched into grad school and my career hunt. when searching for jobs I specifically sought things that I felt would be building blocks and oddly enough everything from internships and summer jobs were all apart of this massive plan I had so I wouldn't be a failure.
but here is where the issue came along. in all my planning and living in fear of failing I forgot to factor in life.
it happens.
everything I do can't be perfect or even close to perfection, even though I try hard to accomplish that. the things I have control over run smoothly of course but those I don't I noticed I've often shyed from. such as commitment. some say I fear that more then failing. I'm no run-away-bride but I do have this obsession with tensing up and shying away when things get to serious and are out of my control. especially when this whole commitment thing leads you to someone you never thought you'd pair yourself with. that's not in the plan. if I stray will I fail. will I mess up waiting on the intangible?
what if my failure will occur if I don't live my life the way I should. if I hold back expecting and looking for the planned when the unexpected is what I need.
as I get older my fear of failing is subsiding. even in the small amount of time I've been on earth everything that I have done I can say has been a success. there may have been obstacles and roadblocks but overall it's a success. so why stop living and experiencing the spontaneity of life all in fear it will mess up a plan? Especially when in the bigger scheme of things I don't have as much control as I think.
the fear of failing.
when I was younger I felt like a mandate was placed upon me that stated that I had no option but success. whatever I asked for within reason I was given if it was thought to be something that would help me succeed. one day in the 6th grade I randomly asked my parents if I could try out private school. by the fall I was enrolled. I asked if I could study abroad that summer I was in the UK. with all the things placed in front of me I felt and still feel as though I have no option but to succeed. when I got to college I was terrified that I wouldn't graduate because of fear. so my first semester freshman year I planned out all my classes... for my college career. from when I'd take electives to how I'd balance summer school. I was obsessed with not failing.
this fear of not failing stretched into grad school and my career hunt. when searching for jobs I specifically sought things that I felt would be building blocks and oddly enough everything from internships and summer jobs were all apart of this massive plan I had so I wouldn't be a failure.
but here is where the issue came along. in all my planning and living in fear of failing I forgot to factor in life.
it happens.
everything I do can't be perfect or even close to perfection, even though I try hard to accomplish that. the things I have control over run smoothly of course but those I don't I noticed I've often shyed from. such as commitment. some say I fear that more then failing. I'm no run-away-bride but I do have this obsession with tensing up and shying away when things get to serious and are out of my control. especially when this whole commitment thing leads you to someone you never thought you'd pair yourself with. that's not in the plan. if I stray will I fail. will I mess up waiting on the intangible?
what if my failure will occur if I don't live my life the way I should. if I hold back expecting and looking for the planned when the unexpected is what I need.
as I get older my fear of failing is subsiding. even in the small amount of time I've been on earth everything that I have done I can say has been a success. there may have been obstacles and roadblocks but overall it's a success. so why stop living and experiencing the spontaneity of life all in fear it will mess up a plan? Especially when in the bigger scheme of things I don't have as much control as I think.
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